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How to have the Kind of Marriage You Always Dreamed of
DATE: February 13, 2000
TEXT: Song of Songs 2:10b-13

Over the years I've had the privilege of participating in many weddings. Many have been memorable. Some have been unforgettable like the outdoor wedding I did under the spreading chestnut tree. Everything was going fine until the cows in the neighboring field began wandering up to see what all the commotion was about.
I remember the wedding where the bride's dress caught on fire when a pew candle fell backwards on her train when her old fashioned hoop skirt hit it.
Or the wedding down in Lexington one summer when in the middle of the vows, the mid-Ohio racetrack time trials began just over the hill.
Or the wedding down in Barberton on Lake Anna in the gazebo with the various cars driving by honking and shouting, "Another one bites the dust!"
There have been many unforgettable weddings. But by far and away the most unforgettable wedding that I've been a part of was mine. It's not because anything crazy or funny happened--things went pretty smoothly. But I remember as I watched Linda coming down the aisle, as we stood at the altar, as we shared our vows, and as we drove off into the sunset with the shaving cream all over the car.. I was thinking to myself. "How can I be so lucky to marry a woman like this!" I'm sure she was thinking the same thing, "How can he be so lucky to marry me."
But from the time I was little I dreamed of a marriage filled with fun and laughter, sharing and caring, a marriage filled with purpose and mission together and here I was about to embark on that great adventure. That was almost 33 years ago. As I meet with couples before their weddings these days I tell them from my own experience I believe that marriage can be a little bit of heaven here on earth. Unfortunately for so many today, marriage has felt a little bit like the other place.filled with pain, suffering, anger, bitterness.
Linda and I have witnessed some very dear friends over the years that have suffered from the awful pain of separation and divorce. Perhaps some here today have felt that pain or are feeling it right now.
Now more than ever we need to hear God's word to us about marriage. We need to hear it for ourselves. Perhaps we need to hear it for our children or grandchildren. But I believe God has a good word today. A word to give us hope. A word to lift you up if you're feeling the pain and pressure of married life.
Let's let God speak to us today. Let's pray.
Ken just read for you from the Song of Songs. Love is a powerful thing. Love is the greatest force in the universe. This book song of Songs is a book of beautiful songs and poems that describe the power of love. Words between a husband and wife. Two people in love. But also word of God for us. In chapter 8 of the Song, it talks about that power of love. It says, "The passion of love bursting into flames is more powerful than death. Stronger than the grave. Love cannot be drowned by oceans or floods. It cannot be bought no matter what is offered." There is the power of love.
If you've experienced that kind of love even for a moment, even for a second--you know what I'm talking about. It can transform your life. How do we keep that kind of love alive in our marriage?
The comedian Sam Levenson says, "Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."
It does take a miracle. There's a great commercial on TV where there are young athletes trying to imitate professional athletes. They try to slam the ball and try to do things that they really can't do. The caption at the end says, "Image is nothing. Thirst is everything."
There's some truth in that slogan when it comes to marriage. What will help us to experience the marriage of our dreams? Truly, image is nothing. The way you look together. The kind of house you portray together; the kind of financial security you show others.image is nothing. Attitude, on the other hand, is everything.
Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love. But a happy marriage blossoms when we learn to love the one we married. It's a matter of attitude. Its' the way that we think about our spouse. As Cary Smally says, "Love is a decision." It's not just a feeling. It's not just an emotion. But it's a choice we make about our attitude toward our spouse. An attitude can be negative or positive. An attitude can be critical or accepting. In our passage for today we see certain attitudes expressed by our writer. Chapter 2:10b, "My darling I love you. Let's go away together. Winter's past, the rain has stopped. Flowers have covered the earth. It's time to sing. The cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig trees are bearing fruit while blooms fill the earth with perfume. My darling, "I love you.'"
An attitude. A choice that that person has made to look at their spouse with a positive attitude.
I love the story of two women having lunch together, who began discussing their husbands. One said, "If all women were like me, they would all want to be married to my husband. The other quickly retorted, "If all women were like me, none of them would want to be married to him."
You see, love is a choice. There is no perfect spouse. There's not perfect person to marry. The ideal mate is a matter of perspective. Whomever you're married to, to make the choice to find the beauty, the joy and the love that is in that relationship.
Image is nothing. Attitude is everything.
Second, image is nothing, appreciation is everything.
We know for years that the battle of the sexes has challenged who's better--male or female. There's a story of three men who found a magic lamp. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared. He said, "There are three of you standing here so I can give each of you one wish."
The first man said, "I want to be the smartest man in the whole world." Poof! His wish was granted and he became the smartest man in the whole world.
The second man said, "I want to be fifty times smarter than the smartest man in the whole world." Poof! His wish was granted. He became fifty times smarter than the first guy did.
The third one said, "I want to be 100 times smarter than the smartest man in the world." Poof! He became a woman.
Women may not be from Venus, or Men from Mars, but it's not a matter of one being smarter or better than the other. But the matter of the fact is that we are different from each other. In Matthew 19:4, Jesus quotes Genesis and says, "In the beginning the Creator made a man and a woman!" Two unique people. Not one better. Not one more powerful. Two individuals. Each with unique gifts, personalities, not to compete but to complement one another. And our wonderful task in our marriage is to find and appreciate the difference in the other person. It's a lifelong task of discovering how that person thinks differently and then talking about hat. Expressing our appreciation of who that person is.
At breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered as he went out the door to his office. At 10:00 AM the doorbell rang. The woman opened the door and was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed, red roses. At 1:00 PM a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later that day a boutique delivered a dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog's Day in my whole life!"
Thinking appreciative thoughts, honoring one another, expressing your appreciation in words and actions is everything in a great marriage.
Third, if you want to enjoy the marriage of your dreams, image is nothing. Access is everything. Notice in our text today twice the writer says to his beloved, "Let's go away together."
Friday nights Linda and I have gotten into the routine of just getting a movie, making dinner, breaking out some wine and enjoying one another's company. I guess you could call that our date night. With Linda working Monday through Friday and me only on Sunday, we don't have a lot of free time to "go away together" during the year. So we value our summer times.
Let us come away together." What time do you take to be with your spouse, to be with the one you love? As we give access of our time we also give access to our thoughts.
As the old story goes, there was a time when he talked and she listened. On their honeymoon she talked and he listened. And now that they are settled down in their own home, they both talk and the neighbors listen. And if they don't yell loud enough for the neighbors to hear, maybe nobody's listening.
One of the hardest things for us--to listen to our spouse. We want them to understand us. But to be understood we first need to understand by listening, by tuning in.
There was a man and woman married 50 years who were asked the secret of their marital bliss. "Well," drawled the old man, "The wife and I had an agreement when we first got married. The agreement was that when she was bothered about something, she would just tell me off, get it out of her system. And if I was mad at her about something, I was to take a walk. I suppose you can attribute our marital success to the fact that I have predominately lived an outdoor life."
It's easy to escape. It's easy to not listen. But particularly in the tough times as we tune into one another we can find renewed love in our marriage. Conflict is not something to avoid. It's a growth point that helps us to become stronger.
And then finally, if you want to enjoy the marriage of your reams.image is nothing. Christ is absolutely everything.
Bruce Larson tells about the changes that occur in the relationship between husband and wife. He illustrates this by relating the seven stages of the common cold in the life of a young married couple:
The first year: "Sugar, I'm worried about my little sweetie pie. You've got a bad sniffle and I want you to go to the hospital for a complete checkup."
The second year: Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've called the doctor and he's going to rush right over."
The third year: "Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest if you're feeling bad. I'll even bring you something to eat."
The fourth year: "Look dear, be sensible; after you've fed the kids and washed the dishes, you'd better hit the sack.'
The fifth year: "Why don't you take a couple of aspirin?"
The sixth year, "If you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal, it might help."
The seventh year: "For heaven's sake, stop sneezing! What are you trying to do, give me pneumonia!?"
Marriage experts suggest that in the normal course of a marriage, couples experience at least seven deaths. You know what I'm talking about? Those times when you wake up in the morning you look over and see your spouse laying there, drooling on the pillow, hair over their face, snoring. And you think to yourself, "Did I marry this person?"
There are times when you just can't find the flame, let alone fan it. There are times when it just doesn't seem exciting to be married. And so often those are the points when we give up. When we file for divorce, when we let go of the desire to be with that person. There is only one way to move from death to life and that's through the help and the power of Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ did not only die for you, but he rose from death to live and can move your marriage from death to life. He can give you a brand new beginning.
Listen to what our text says today, "Winter is past. The rain has stopped. Flowers cover the earth. It's time to sing." This person has been through a death. An ending. A time of sorrow and grief. Lost love. And now it is time for a new beginning.
Friends, that's what Jesus Christ wants to give you today. Maybe you feel your marriage is in a death mode right now. You've lost that love. Only Jesus Christ can come and give you the power to appreciate that other person. He can give you the attitude you need. He can give you the desire to listen and give them access to your heart. Jesus Christ can do that.
Twenty plus years ago, a friend came to me with the knowledge that her husband had been unfaithful. And if truth were told, she had been tempted as well. She didn't know what to do. I told her that although it is difficult it is not impossible for the two of them with God's help to reconcile. They both were devoutly Christian people. The husband terminated his affair and the two of them resolved to renew their marriage commitment. They ultimately moved out west and literally created for themselves a new life with Christ at the center.
Friends, for the marriage of your dreams, Christ is everything. Absolutely everything.
As we close today I'd like you to pray for your spouse and your marriage, if you are married. Maybe you have a friend or a loved one who is struggling in their marriage and you want to pray for them. I'd like to invite those here with their spouse to join hands and take a moment to renew our love for one another and our commitment to one another. Please join me in prayer.
AMEN