Light Service Sermons for the Month
Commitment: The Key to Healthy Relationships
DATE: January 11, 1998
SERVICE: Third Sunday after Christmas
TEXT: John 15:12-13
Light Service Sermons for the Month
How to Build Healthy Relationships
Commitment: The Key to Healthy Relationships
DATE: January 11, 1998
SERVICE: Third Sunday after Christmas
TEXT: John 15:12-13
We Americans have shared in several experiences that have together shaped the way we relate to others and that have particularly shaped how we view commitment. For instance, over the last forty years we have seen several government leaders let us down: Nixon and Watergate; the House Banking Scandals; Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert’s sexual scandals; the reported trysts of President Clinton to the shady deals of George Bush’s son. We learned through these experiences that we can’t really trust our leaders so why make a commitment to them.
Another experience that has shaped our view of commitment is divorce. Since 1957 40-50% of all children have experienced the divorce of their parents. These children of broken homes learned from an early age that commitment doesn’t work or last; That commitment leads only to pain and hurt, a pain and hurt they don’t want to go through again. The divorce epidemic in our country is teaching us to stay away from commitment.
But the experience that has shaped our view of commitment more than any other is affluence. In the 1950’s and 1960’s and again in the 1980’s our country experienced unprecedented economic growth and expansion. There was a sense of security and stability that encouraged us to spend our money as fast as we could make it. And in times of affluence, the values forged are different than the values forged in economic downturns. In times of recession and depression, as the pre-World War II generation experienced, the values of self-denial are shaped. People band together to help each other cope and make it through. Teamwork, self-giving and a commitment to others grow out of tough economic times.
But in times of affluence and prosperity, people turn their focus inward onto themselves. Instead of banding together with others to cope, they turn in on themselves and focus on how to experience greater self-fulfillment. Inner well being becomes more important than outer accomplishments. Commitment to self, not to others, becomes the driving force in people’s lives. The result has been what some people have labeled the “me” generation, a generation of people fixated on themselves. A generation buying up self-help books and buying into odd religions, hoping to find contentment and personal meaning in life.
And yet, it’s a generation of broken, failed relationships. The commitment to self, forged in times of affluence, shaped the way we relate to others. Relationships tend to be based not on what we can give to others but on what they can give to us.
As we make our way into the millenium, many culture gazers are seeing a move away from self-centeredness toward self-giving once again. Indeed, our government to banking on private charities making up for the cuts in assistance to the poor. Having experienced the emptiness of always trying to find fulfillment on our own, many in our country are rediscovering the life-transforming power of commitment to others.
Today, as we continue our series on how to build healthy relationships, we’re going to talk about the most important key to building those healthy relationships. And that key is commitment to others. Commitment is the glue that holds relationships together.
Let us pray. The question sounds so childish, Lord, whimpered from Rodney King’s quivering lips, “Why can’t we all just get along?” he pleaded, against all hope. Childish? Hardly! It is a fundamental question, echoing, in its childlike way, the gentle urgings, and the grave command, you gave to us. “Love one another,” you said. And then, in your march toward death, you gave an example of such love. Why can’t we all just get along? Why can’t we indeed? Help us, Lord, to love. AMEN
As we focus on the power of commitment today I want to look with you at some of the reasons people shy away from commitments in addition to the sociological reasons we talked about a moment before. I also want to look at the benefits of commitment and then focus on some of the ingredients of commitment.
Commitment is a scary word for many of us not only for the reasons I mentioned before but for several others as well. One of the barriers that keep people from committing to others is the fear of the time investment. Commitment takes a lot of time and work, and many of us aren’t sure we’re ready for that kind of giving of our time.
A second barrier to commitment is the fear of losing our freedom. There’s something nice about having our independence. We like calling the shots ourselves. We don’t want to have to answer to someone else whenever we decide to do something. Many fear commitment because they’re afraid they’ll have to surrender control of their lives to someone else or that they’ll love their unique individuality. Some are afraid that people will begin to demand things from them.
A Third barrier to commitment is the fear of being hurt. This is perhaps the biggest risk commitment holds—for there are times when commitment backfires and we get burned. Friends let us down. Spouses walk out on us. Parents manipulate us. Kids tear into us. Sometimes commitment hurts. And if we’re burned too many times, we tend to shy away from investing ourselves in others through commitment. There are risks when it comes to committing ourselves to others.
But there are also some very positive benefits to commitment, benefits that I believe far outweigh the negatives. One of the benefits of commitment is security, the sense that a friend or spouse will be there no matter what.
I find great security that Linda is commitment to me. In good times and bad time I know she’ll be there to encourage me and stand by me. I find the same kind of security in my relationships with the staff members here at Faith. We’re committed to each other. We’ll stand by each other no matter what. And that gives me the courage I need to do the best job I can.
A second benefit of commitment is support. Author John Trent tells of a math class he was taking back in high school. Half of the students were flunking the class and the teacher continually reminded them of their failure by arranging their desks according to their current grades. All of the failures were lined up against the back wall.
Then on day a substitute showed up. But even better, that substitute was going to finish out the year as the other teacher had been transferred. John says the feeling in classroom was like that of the people in Paris being liberated during World War II.
That very first day, the new teacher stood up and spoke a word of commitment that transformed the class. He said that if any one in the class failed, then he had failed. And he was committed to doing whatever it took to help the students pass. And then he demonstrated that commitment by spending time after class and on weekends tutoring those who were struggling. That commitment of support made a difference. It motivated the class to work hard. The teacher’s commitment drew it out of them. Everyone in the class passed, and John, who had been on the verge of an F, received an A.
Committed relationships give us that kind of support. We can cheer each other on and encourage one another. Committed relationships offer us a foundation that keeps us stable.
A final benefit of commitment is that, rather than robbing us of our individuality, commitment actually leads to greater self-worth.
Marian Preminger had it all. She was raised by a wealthy family and enjoyed the benefits that come with being well off. But what started out as a comfortable life became a painful and difficult life in her adult years. Her first marriage ended in divorce. Her second marriage also ended in divorce when her husband found out that she had been sucked into the seamy side of Hollywood. It seemed the more she focused on herself—the more she tried to find fulfillment by concentrating on her own needs—the deeper she fell into despair.
Then in 1948, she read about the hospital work Albert Schweitzer was doing in Africa and she decided to offer her help. And it was there in Africa, as she gave herself away to others, as she changed bandages, bathed babies and fed lepers, that she discovered what life is all about. Though she had had everything materially a person could want and failed to find fulfillment there, it was in her commitment to others that she discovered true contentment and was able to love and accept herself once again. It’s in committing ourselves to others that we find our self-worth.
In closing, then, I’d like to quickly share with you three ingredients of commitment that you might build into your relationships with others and experience stranger friendships as a result.
The first ingredient is trust. Commitment believes the best about others even when the evidence suggests otherwise. As one philosopher put it, “True friends visit us in prosperity only when invited, but in adversity they come without invitation.” Jesus says it this way, ”No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” When we trust each other enough to open ourselves to one another we find a lasting sense of fulfillment and our relationships are strengthened for a lifetime.
A second ingredient of commitment is forgiveness. Little Tommy had been misbehaving during dinner and finally his Dad had had enough. Tommy was sent to his room before he could finish his supper.Later that night, feeling hungry and upset, Tommy began to cry. And as he was crying he heard footsteps coming toward his room. The door opened and in walked Dad who said, “Tommy, I love you, and I’ve come to spend the night with you.”
Commitment freely forgives even if the offense was undeserved and painful. And commitment demonstrates that forgiveness in tangible ways. Forgiveness keeps relationships strong by keep them clean and healthy.
The final ingredient of commitment is stick-to-it-tive-ness. Commitment hangs in there when everyone else has run.A man was watching a little boy clean his horse. After awhile he approached the boy and asked, “Can your horse go fast?” To which the boy replied, “No, not really. But he can stand fast.”
In order for our relationships to be healthy we need to make a commitment to each other to stand fast, to hang in there with each other no matter what. 2000 years ago Jesus demonstrated for us the key to healthy relationships. He made the promise that he would always trust us, that he would always see the best in us no matter what the evidence might suggest to the contrary. He also made the commitment to forgive us unconditionally and to stand by us through it all. And he backed up his commitment with his life.
The Bible says that while we were still sinners, while we were helpless to save ourselves, Jesus loved us enough to give his life for us. Through his death and resurrection Jesus demonstrated in the most convincing way possible that he is committed to you. He promises to be your friend who will never let you down, never give up on you, who will build you up, give you security, support and self-worth. And in those times when your commitment to others causes pain and hurt, he will be there to heal the hurt and put the pieces back together. Jesus is and always will be committed to you. And that commitment can give you the courage you need to commit yourself to others, that you might enjoy the gift of healthy relationships.
AMEN