This Week's Light Service Sermon

Light Service Sermons for the Month
How to Build Healthy Relationships
How to Resolve Conflict
DATE: January 18, 1998
SERVICE: Fourth Sunday after Christmas
TEXT: Matthew 18:15-20

For the last couple of weeks, I have been focusing on the theme, “How to Build Healthy Relationships.” Thought it might be good have a little pop quiz to see how we’re doing. Here’s the situation:

Dad wants the family lawn mowed. Andy, his son, is a capable, coordinated, hopefully contributing member of the household. Dad wants his son to take on and so learn the concept of community, responsibility, shared goals, etc. And besides, Dad does not like mowing the lawn, at least, not all the time. Andy, however, keeps putting it off in spite of his promise to mow the lawn. Now its Thursday night and the lawn is still not mowed. The Son wants to, instead, relax and enjoy a night out at the school JV Basketball game, which also means staying out later than usual on a school night.

So here is the Pop Quiz: Would you be a nice guy, let Andy stay out later than usual, and spend the evening sulking, looking at a 4 inch lawn that still needs mowed, wondering when the boy will get home safely? Would you stand your ground, force Andy (and his friend) to be back home by 10 PM before the game is over? Compromise by hiring a lawn service, deducting the cost from your son’s allowance then waking Andy up for school the next morning at 4 AM with a John Philip Souse march? Would you go the basketball game, sit behind your son, yell and scream at the umpire and generally embarrass Andy as much as possible. Or woul you call a pastor, set up a counseling appointment, and have the pastor help you decide making sure to choose a pastor who also has a big lawn to mow?

The answer is obvious: Go the basketball game, sit behind your son, yell and scream at the umpire and generally embarrass him to all his friends.

On the surface, the conflict seems silly and ultimately unimportant.But the point is mismanaged small, insignificant conflicts grow into unmanageable conflicts down the road. No relationships, no matter how strong, no matter how deep, are immune to conflict. In fact, the only way to avoid conflict in relationships is to alienate yourself completely from other people. Because all relationships consist of people with unique personalities, needs, drives, desires, all relationships run into conflict. But healthy relationships use conflicts to their advantage. Rather than see conflicts as a problem, they view it as an opportunity to strength the relationship.

This morning we are going to continue our series by focusing on how to resolve conflict. In this Bible passage Jesus has some practical, relationship-transforming principles that can not only help us deal effectively with conflict, but that can actually help us grow as individuals and help the relationship grow as well.
But before we talk about it, let’s pray about it: Heavenly Father: How wise and kind you are to bind your people into community. How foolish human beings become in taking that blessing for granted. Forgive us when we do not use such a blessing to its greatest advantage. Return us to one another with repentance and acceptance, and bind us again as those whom you yourself have joined in love. AMEN
In order to resolve conflict, we need to begin by understanding what causes conflict in the first place. One of the most frequent causes: miss communication—not being clear about what’s being asked or not taking the time to really listen. A second cause of conflict is unmet needs. People may feel their needs for security or belonging are not being taken seriously and the result is conflict. A third cause of conflict is the feeling that something of value might be lost, like peace, a friendship, or prosperity. A fourth cause of conflict is the belief on the part of at least one person in the relationship that everything must go his or her way. Self-centeredness can put a lot of strain on a relationship. In times of conflict, people react in different ways—and some are more appropriate than others.Some people react to conflict with assertiveness. They believe that their way is the right. They seek only to satisfy their own concerns at the expense of others and even the relationships.
Assertiveness would force Andy to stay home, miss the game and mow the lawn. A second response to conflict is avoidance. Some people simply ignore the conflict and home it will go away. They stall; they pass the buck; they do anything they can to avoid dealing with the situation. Avoidance gets mad and tells Andy to get out and do whatever he wants. A third reaction to conflict is to work together to come a win--win solution. It’s that third reaction to conflict that Jesus points us today in our Bible reading. In that passage, he shares with us three keys that can help us come to a win—win solution to dealing with conflict. I’d quickly like to look at those keys with you today.
The first key for resolving conflict, according to Jesus, is to seek to work it out together. Healthy relationships recognize the inevitability of conflicts and respond quickly to those conflicts by dealing with them together. And there are several steps we can take that can enable us to effectively deal with the conflict before it gets out of hand. The first of those steps is to try to get at the root problem. The problem may not be your overwhelming desire to get the lawn mowed. The real issue may be that no one seems to respect you as a person; you are always at the mercy of someone else’s whims and for once you would like to have someone take some responsibility for mowing that lawn besides you. The real issue may be a sense of insecurity and loneliness at work because your boss always dumps you with the work he doesn’t want to do.Getting at the real problem can help us quickly put an end to conflict.
A second step of this first key for dealing with conflict TOGETHER is to focus on feelings, not faults. Instead of pointing out your partner’s shortcomings, share your emotions. Use “I feel” statements rather than “You are” statements. If needed, take time to cool off. And always watch what you are saying in the heat of battle.Make a rule that personality bashing is off limits.
A third step for dealing with conflict together is to focus on solutions not blame. Find a solution you both feel good about. Work for a win-win solution.
And finally, apologize and forgive freely. At a dinner party one night, Lady Churchill was seated across the table from Sir Winston, who kept making his hand walk up and down—two fingers bent at the knuckles. The fingers appeared to be walking toward Lady Churchill. Finally, a friend turned to her and said, “Why is Sir Winston looking at you so wistfully, and whatever is he doing with those two knuckles on the Table?”
Lady Churchill replied, “That’s simple. We had a mild quarrel before we left home, and he is indicating it’s his fault and he’s on his knees to me in abject apology.”
Always remember that the relationship is more important than who is right or wrong. Healthy relationships are quick to apologize and forgive. However, sometimes for whatever reason, two people cannot resolve the conflict. In those times Jesus encourages us to seek outside help. Pastors or Counselors often bring a needed third party objective view to the situation. When couples get so involved in the problem, they often miss some obvious possibilities. Spending time with a caring third party can help bring a peaceful end to the conflict.

Finally, a third key for resolving conflict is to surrender your relationship to Jesus Christ. Jesus makes the promise that wherever two or three are gathered in his name, he will be there. He will be there to put the pieces back together should the conflict cause a tear in the relationship. He will be there to guide and direct us as we seek to resolve the problem. He is the foundation that can make the relationship strong and healthy, no matter what the conflict might be.
An actor who had landed many important stage roles found the jobs dying up. He realized what his problem was: he didn’t value the audience. He felt they were a bunch of jerks. His attitude began to tell in his performance and soon he was no longer asked to take the important roles. One day a minister encouraged the actor to pray for the audience before he went on stage. He told the actor to practice love and respect for them. So every night before the performance, he stood in the wings and looked out over the audience. He picked out faces and prayed for them. He made a decision to love them. He learned to respect people and the audience grew to love and respect him in return.
Surrendering our relationship to Jesus through prayer is the most important act we can do in resolving conflict. For prayer opens up to his love—a love that holds us, mends the hurts, and sustains the relationship through the struggle. His love and forgiveness for us enables us to love and forgive each other. Because he treats us with dignity and respect, we can treat each other with respect, even in times of disagreement. His love for us can keep our love for each other strong—giving us the will to find win-win solutions to the conflict.
Jesus promises that in the midst of conflictHe will be there supporting you, encouraging you, and opening you up to solutions to the problem. He is the one who can keep your relationship healthy. So I invite you today to surrender your life and your relationship to Jesus. His friendship with you will enable you to build better, healthier relationships with others.
AMEN