This Week's Light Service Sermon

Light Service Sermons for the Month
How to Build Healthy Relationships
How to Repair Damaged Relationships
DATE: January 25, 1998
TEXT: Colossians 3:12-14

Over the last several weeks, we have been focusing on how to build healthy relationships. We talked about the ingredients that go into a healthy strong relationship, the importance of commitment and last week, we looked at how to resolve conflict. Today, we continue the series by looking at how to repair damaged relationships. How do a husband and wife, whose love has turned cold, rekindle the love? How do parents reconnect with their alienated children? How do friends rebuild their relationship? In the Bible, God shares with us some relationships-transforming keys that can help us repair broken relationships.
But before we look at them, let’s pray together: God our creator. You created us male and female to live in family, to live in community, to live in relationship, to you and to one another. Walk with us this morning as we turn our attention to how we might repair and restore damaged relationships. AMEN
Last week, as we talked about how to resolve conflict. We began by looking at some of the causes of conflict. As we move on to damaged relationships, it’s important to begin at the same place, to talk about some of the factors that go into breaking down a marriage or friendship.
One of the causes of a damaged relationship as we saw last week is unresolved conflict. When conflict is allowed to fester, it eventually boils over into a major explosion. And in the heat of battle, things can be said that leave the relationship in shambles.
A second cause of damaged relationships is neglect. A young businessman made it a habit to always ask older men what their greatest regrets were hoping to avoid similar regrets in his own life. The most frequent answer sounded something like this: "I was so busy trying to improve my family’s standard of living that, before I knew it, my children were grown and gone, and I never got to know them. Now they are too busy for me." Sometimes we take each other for granted. Couples begin to talk less and less. Friends assume they’ll always be friends and so they fail to do the things that keep relationships strong. Neglect can lead to broken relationships.
A third cause of damaged relationships is boredom. Friends or couples get into a routine and soon the relationship becomes nothing more than the same old same old. Boredom has a way of pulling people apart. As the relationship grows dull, the love for each other begins to die.
A final cause of damaged relationships and there are many more is unresolved hurt. A woman sought out a counselor because she was having a hard time building healthy friendships with other women. For some reason she just couldn’t trust them. As the woman shared her story it was obvious to the counselor why this woman struggled so much in her relationships. Her mother was a chronic alcoholic, who, for the most part, was unavailable to her. When mom was sober, she criticized her little girl and inflicted cruel punishment on her. When she didn’t eat the way mom thought she should, mom put a metal screen around her and her plate so that she would not be distracted by the other kids at the table. If she still refused to eat, mom left her at the kitchen table picking over cold food while the rest of the family went to bed. The unresolved hurt brought on by a dysfunctional relationship with her mother made it difficult for her to relate with other women.
Unresolved hurt, whether it’s the result of a broken relationship from the past, a word of criticism that stuck and negatively impacted our sense of value and worth, or a dysfunctional upbringing, can make it very difficult for us to build healthy relationships.
The good news is damaged relationships can be repaired. And the keys for repairing those broken relationships come from the very heart of God himself, the expert at repairing damaged relationships
Before, we look at these relationship-mending keys however, it is important to share a small disclaimer. Sometimes broken relationships will not be repaired. There are times when the causes of the brokenness are so severe that trying to put the pieces back together will only cause more pain and hurt. When a person’s life is in danger, as in cases of physical or sexual abuse, a person’s safety takes priority over the welfare of the relationship. Sometimes one of the people in the relationship doesn’t want to make the relationship work. Whether it’s a "who cares" attitude or a chemical abuse problem, sometimes, no matter how hard one person works at the relationship, the resistance on the part of the other makesreconciliation next to impossible. Because we live in a broken, hurting world, sometimes relationships don’t work out. Thankfully, as we’ll see in a minute, our God is the God of the second chance. However, the damaged relationships we’re looking at today do not fall under those categories. We’re talking about how to repair those relationships that have been strained by the normal hurts and pressures of life, relationships that can be healthy once again if the people in the relationship are willing to work at it. So let me quickly share with you four steps to mending damaged relationships.

The first step for repairing damaged relationships is to rebuild your relationship on the foundation of Jesus Christ. Healthy relationships begin with Jesus. For if our vertical relationship with God is out of alignment our horizontal relationship with others will soon be out of alignment as well.
There’s the true story of a young man who grew up as an orphan. His opportunities in life had been limited and he developed a "chip on his shoulder" attitude. Because of it he had a hard time holding down a job.He could never get along with the bosses.
One day this young man met Jesus Christ. He surrendered his life and his relationships to him. And things began to change. He was working under a foreman that he despised. He felt the foreman had it out for him and the young man wanted a way to get even. However, having turned his life over to Christ, he decided to pray for the foreman and for his other relationships as well.
A few weeks later he told his friend about praying for the foreman and he said, "You know what, when I started praying for him, something happened to him. He changed so much that now we’re the best of friends." He paused, smiled to himself, and said, "Of course, I guess I was the one who changed the most."
Jesus repairs damaged relationships by changing us and our friends or family members. He is the foundation that keeps our relationships intact, even when they’ve been damaged.
The second step in repairing damaged relationships is to resist the impulse to give up. A man in middle-management was experiencing some depression. He was asked if he had any close friends to which he replied, "No." He did talk to his neighbors from time to time, but had no close friends to speak of.
When asked why that was he said, "Ten years ago we were best friends with a couple. We did everything together from playing cards to going on vacations. Then one day, for some reason, they stopped coming over. My wife talked to his wife and she said it was something I said when I was kidding around. We never saw them again."
When asked what it was that had offended his friends the man replied, "I have no idea."

"You mean you have no idea! You mean you never asked them?"
"Nope." he responded. "We just dropped it there. We decided that if they were going to get upset like that, what’s the use?"
Often the easiest way, in the midst of hurt or damaged relationships, is to simply give up. It takes less work and less from us emotionally or so we think. But more often than not, the rewards of hanging in there far outweigh the work it takes to put relationships back together. The Bible says that healthy relationships are maintained when we make the decision to bear one another’s burdens. The word "bear" means to endure, to hold up when the burdens are piled on, to be patient with one another. It also means to endure, to hold up when the burdens are piled on, to be patient with one another. It also means to value each other enough to hang in there and do what it takes to put the relationship back together.
Jesus does that with us. Even though we were totally alienated from him because of our sin, Jesus kept loving us. He proved over and over again his care for us and ultimately gave up his life, making it possible for us to be reconciled with him. In repairing damaged relationships, he encourages us to have that same kind of compassion--a compassion that hangs in there and resists the impulse to give up.
A third key for repairing damaged relationships is to let go of the hurt. Hanging on to the hurt, or the unwillingness to forgive, not only eats away at the relationship but eats away at our joy, our security, and our sense of worth and value. Forgiveness brings healing to a relationship by setting the offender free, but also by setting us free as well.
Corrie Ten Boom had spend several years in a Nazi prisoner of war camp. After the war she felt called by God to preach forgiveness and reconciliation to all Europeans as they tried to put their lives and countries back together. She felt she had dealt with all of the pain from her captivity by letting go of it through forgiveness and felt ready to share God’s message of forgiveness with others.
However, one Sunday, after her message, an old SS guard came up to her. She recognized him. This man had sneered at and frightened the woman as they deloused in the showers. Now he stood before her. And her mind was flooded with all the painful memories of her captivity.
He said to her, "How grateful I am for you message, Fraulein...To think that, as you say, Jesus has washed my sins away." And with that he stuck out his hand in hopes that she would shake his as a way of making peace.
But Corrie couldn’t do it. She was filled with anger and hatred at the sight of her former tormentor. Finally, she prayed silently, "Jesus I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness."

Jesus answered her prayer. He came and filled her with his unconditional forgiveness and she was able to take the hand of the man who had tortured her and forgave him. In letting go of the hurt, she not only freed her captor, but she herself was set free.
This story is being repeated daily even as we speak in South Africa. It is a miracle what is happening there in the wake of similar atrocities. Forgiveness means starting over and trying it again with the person who caused you pain. It means no longer letting the hurt stand in the way of our relationships. That kind of forgiveness is possible only as we have been forgiven by Jesus Christ. His acceptance of us, in spite of our sin, enables to forgive others, to accept others, in spite of the hurt they have caused us.
The final key for repair damaged relationships is to believe in the power of a second chance. A woman made an appointment to see her pastor because her marriage was falling apart. As a result she was bitter and angry. She said, "I not only want to get rid of my husband, I want to get even. Before the divorce I want to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me."
The pastor listened patiently and then offered this ingenious plan: "Go home and act as if you love your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to be as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Make him believe that you really love him. And after you’re convinced he believes you, hit him with the divorce papers. That will really hurt him."
The woman thought it was a really good idea and went home eager to put the plan into action.
A few weeks later the pastor called the woman to see if she was ready for the divorce. She replied, "Divorce? Never. I discovered I really do love him."
Love believes in the second chance. As our Bible ready for today tells us, love binds everything together in perfect harmony. Love never gives up but offers a second chance to begin again.
That’s what Jesus does for us in his quest to be our friend. He makes the first move by offering us his forgiveness. He stands by us even when we let him down. He puts the pieces back together when we’ve been hurt and gives us the chance and the courage to try again. His love for us moves him to do whatever it takes to build a healthy relationship. And when we become friends with him we find all the tools we need to build healthy relationships and repair them when they become damaged.
Today, if you need a second chance, if you are in the middle of a damaged relationship, I encourage you to resist the temptation to give up. I encourage you to let go of the hurt and to believe in the power of the second chance. But most of all, I encourage you to rebuild your life and your relationship on the foundation of Jesus, the God of the second chance.

AMEN