Light Service Sermons for the Month
TITLE: How to Maintain Moral Integrity while Building Healthy Relationships
DATE: February 8, 1998
TEXT: I Thessalonians 4:1-7
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Light Service Sermons for the Month
A G-Rated Look at Great Sex
TITLE: How to Maintain Moral Integrity while Building Healthy Relationships
DATE: February 8, 1998
TEXT: I Thessalonians 4:1-7
I remember the first time I discovered girls.
It wasn't all that long ago. I was in the first grade. And I discovered that girls were fun to spy on, chase, be chased by, kick and hit, and all the other things boys and girls do at that young age. Girls were interesting and yucky at the same time. While it was fun chasing them and being chased by them, you had to wear an X on your hand to protect yourself from girl germs—cooties we called them.
As I got older my view of girls changed. I found I liked being around them, but I was also somewhat embarrassed to be with them. I was afraid I might say something stupid or that they might think I was a loser. But it seemed even then, there was something fun about chasing them and being chased, although the really fun stuff like hitting and kicking no longer seemed appropriate.
Then it happened. In the seventh grade I fell in "like" for the first time. Her name was Cynthia Payne. The chase intensified. But still being extremely shy (pause), and not wanting to look stupid, I played dumb and forced her to chase me while I chased her. Finally, the big moment arrived when, at a dance class, I asked her if I could dance with her. And I have to admit that was a lot more fun than kicking and hitting. We went together for two years, mind you this was Junior High, no late bloomer here, largely because her parents and my parents were good friends. After that came Nancy or was it Connie or maybe it was Peggy. I don't remember.
Then in my freshman year of college, I fell in love with Linda and three years later married her. All of the chasing, kicking, hitting, and then hand holding, all of those years of training, culminated in my commitment to one woman for the rest of my life. From that day on, the way I related to other women changed. The chase was over.
One of the challenges that men and women face in building healthy relationships with one another is that we all grew up chasing one another. And whether we realized it or not, in the midst of those friendships, no matter what age we were, there was always a certain amount of sexual tension.
When a man and woman get married, they often find it difficult to put on the brakes. After all, they've been chasing and been chased all their lives and suddenly, the chase is over. Because most relationships with the opposite sex have had an element of the chase in them, it's often challenging for some to build relationships with people of the opposite sex without the chase.
Some couples handle that new situation by isolating themselves from others of the opposite sex. Husbands no longer have female friends and wives shy away from male friends.
Some couples, unfortunately, never make the transition. They never learn how to build healthy relationships with the opposite sex and end in an affair somewhere down the line. Some research suggests that up to 60% of husbands and wives and Presidents have had an affair. (Hummmmm. Apparently, that statistic is growing.)
Then there are those who learn how to build healthy relationships with all people, no matter what sex they might be. But they realize that when it comes to relationships with people of the opposite sex, special care needs to be taken to keep the relationship honed.
Today, as we wrap up our two part look at God's design for sexual relationships, I want to talk about some ways we can keep our moral integrity as we build friendships with people of the opposite sex. In past weeks, we've talked about keys that go into building great friendships, but what happens when the sexual tension begins to grow? For example, what happens when our best friend's wife, who is also a good friend, suddenly seems to turn us on more than our wife. What happens when you are a White House summer intern, all aglow with the presence and power of your ultimate boss, and you begin to fanaticize?
Or what happens when we fall in love with a person and gradually our love wants to take us places sexually that we know devalues God's gift of sex?
How do we handle the sexual tension that exists between men and women as we seek to build healthy, mature relationships with people of the opposite sex?
God has some positive keys that can help us enjoy healthy relationship with people of the opposite sex without sacrificing our integrity. But before we talk about it, let's pray together. I want to love, Lord, I need to love. All my being is desire; My heart, my body, yearn in the night towards an unknown one to love. I am alone and want to be two. I speak, and no one is there to listen. I live, and no one is there to share my life. Where does this love come from: Where is it going? I want to love, Lord. Help me to love, Lord. AMEN
As I said earlier, while growing up, we expressed our feelings for people of the opposite sex by chasing them, kicking them, and teasing them. Things were innocent and fun back then.
But as adults, in a society obsessed by sex, showing our feelings to friends of the opposite sex is not always so easy. And if we're not careful, we can get ourselves into trouble, going too far and as a result ruining a great friendship and our own sense of value in the process.
So let me share with you today five Biblical keys for maintaining moral integrity while building close, healthy relationships with people of the opposite sex, regardless of whether you're married or single.
1) The first key for maintaining your moral integrity is to get in touch with God's best for you.
In the Bible God says, "I know the plans I have for you, plans for your good, not your harm." A
s we read the Bible, we see over and over again that God has always been seeking our best. He sent Jesus to give us an abundant life. Jesus came to give us the gift of unconditional love. He came to restore our sense of worth and value. He came to give us the hope of life after death. In fact, he's so committed to our best that he gave his life for us on a cross that every good promise God has for us might be a reality in our lives. God has always been actively seeking out our best.
And when it comes to building healthy relationship, he once again seeks our best. Specifically, he tells us that healthy relationships are built when we use sex only in the context of marriage.
That kind of thinking goes against everything our culture says today. Our culture tells us that life begins and ends in bed with whomever we can get in there with us. Culture tells us that sex will only enhance our friendships. It tells us that God is out of touch.
But the broken hearts, shame, and guilt that many experience tell a different story. The devastating results of misusing sex tell us that God knows what he's talking about. That he truly does know what's best for us.
So the first key for maintaining our moral integrity is to get in touch with the heart of God—to enjoy his best for us, to surrender our lives to his care, to shape our values and relationships around his values. For God's way is always the best, most healthy way. He's always right. He can be trusted.
2) A second key for maintaining our moral integrity is to know what our moral standards are and stick to them.
If we want to enjoy God's best for us in our relationships with people of the opposite sex, then we need to know what our standards are. We need to know up front what our limits are, what our temptations are, and where it is we draw the line. For when we're in the heat of the battle, if we don't know what the line is, we'll cross it and live to regret it.
Little Jimmy, feeling brave, said to his older brother, "If you cross over this line, I'll beat you up." His brother looked at him, smiled and stepped over the line. Little Jimmy stood there a moment, drew a new line and said, "If you step over this line, I'll beat you up."
The truth is, when we step over the line of our moral standards, we eventually do get beat up. We find ourselves having to put the broken pieces of our heart back together. And it can be very painful.
But again, God has a much better plan in mind. He lovingly shares with us some healthy standards that help us build healthy relationships while maintaining our integrity—standards that lead to our best. Those standards include treating people with honor and dignity, and using the gift of sex only in the context of marriage.
3) A third key for maintaining our moral integrity is to recognize the joys and potential pitfalls of sexuality.
As we saw last week, God created sex to be enjoyed. It is his gift given to husbands and wives to help them express their love in the most intimate way possible. Sex can and should be joy-filled experience. But this beautiful gift, it misused, can lead to many pitfalls.
One of those pitfalls is romanticism. Romanticism has a husband fantasizing about another woman who always builds him up, never looks disheveled or messy, always makes passionate love to him at will, and never ages. Romanticism has a wife dreaming about another man who will give her his undivided attention, never has bad breath, and always puts the toilet seat down.
Romanticism has a young man believing that the only way to keep his girl friend is to have sex with her. It has a woman believing that if she really loves her boy friend, she'll give in to his pressuring and sleep with him.
Romanticism clouds our thinking about God's gift of sex by painting an unrealistic picture of it—a picture that, on the surface seems great, but in reality can't even begin to match the passion of great sex in a healthy marriage. Romanticism can lead us to places that will hurt us because romanticism always lets us down.
Another sexual pitfall is the excitement of adventure. There's something daring about eating the forbidden fruit. But that momentary thrill of adventure quickly turns into reality: the wife and kids who will be hurt by Dad's unfaithfulness, the young girl who will regret for the rest of her life that she gave up something she can never have back.
Ego is another sexual pitfall. It's a heady experience for a 40-year-old man with rising peaks on his forehead to hear that another woman finds him attractive. It's a flattering experience for a 25-year-old to realize that a successful, gorgeous hunk, who can have any girl he wants, wants her. But when sex is the basis of our sense of worth and value, we're in for a big let down. Great sex is the result of a strong sense of worth and value; it's never the other way around.
So, in building relationships with people of the opposite sex, we need to remember the pitfalls of sex and not be seduced by them.
4) A fourth key for maintaining our integrity is to avoid compromising situations.
There's a story about a mighty tree which stood high upon a mountain. It survived hailstorms, heavy snows, the bitter cold, and strong, hurricane-type wind for years. But it finally fell when little beetles attacked it. The beetles, unseen by the eye, snuck in and slowly ate away at it.
Compromising situations work like that. They begin innocently enough with a business dinner or two friends just going out to talk. But soon those innocent situations become less innocent and after a while the beetles eat away at our standards and we make a decision that hurts the rest of our lives.
As we build healthy relationships with people of the opposite six, we need to do so in save situations of integrity.
5) Finally, in order to maintain our moral integrity while building healthy relationships we need to value ourselves enough to say no.
Christianity and Judaism took radical stands when it came to sex. Unlike other religions, which freely promoted sexual encounters with anyone and everyone, Christianity and Judaism restored the beauty and dignity of sex by reaffirming its use within the context of marriage.
One of the reasons for such a stand was because sex, as promoted by other religions, devalued women. It treated them as objects to be used and abused at will.
Christianity believes in the dignity and worth of all people. That's why God invites us to enjoy sex within the context of marriage—because it helps us maintain our dignity and keeps us from devaluing ourselves and others by using it in inappropriate ways.
God not only calls us to use sex only in marriage, but he gives us the will and power to say no when we're tempted to use it outside of marriage. Because he is enough for us, because he can meet the deepest longing of our hearts, he can help us say no to sexual pressure. Saying no to sex outside of marriage is for our best.
However, as I said last week, if you have had sex outside of marriage, God still loves you. He still believes in you. And because of Jesus Christ you can experience a new start. For Jesus can wash away the guilt and shame, he can heal your broken heart, and he can give you the courage you need to build healthy relationships his way—relationships that value others and maintain your dignity.
As long as we live we'll relate with people of the opposite sex. God invites us to do so in healthy, positive, value-affirming ways, And his son Jesus is the one who can help us enjoy those kinds of relationships as he continually fills us with God's best.
AMEN